At this point, I'm just trying to make it through each day without crying and soak up every snuggle with Harrison who seems to be very aware that his only child status is expiring and is quite attached to me these days. I feel like he senses my anxiety of adding another human to our family and my constant worry that he'll feel like I don't love him as much, which is totally impossible. I know this feeling is normal, but I really wonder how my heart can love another being as much as I love him. Of course, before I had Harrison I didn't understand the love a mother feels for her child, so what do I know anyway? There must be a reason people have two, three, or seven children. I ran across this poem online and it has given me some comfort for what's ahead.
My secondborn baby, I have to tell you the truth.
One day you’ll probably ask me
About why everything wasn’t
Bright, shiny and
New
For you.
And when you ask me, I will tell you the truth;
The truth about
The hand-me-downs,
The caffeine and soft cheese
During pregnancy,
My lack of a birth plan,
And weekly bump photos;
The fact that I didn’t wait With bated breath For every single milestone.
The difficult truths
Like the fact that You had to cry more
Wait more
Share more.
The fact that I,
Your mama,
Was often not the best version of myself.
But dear, sweet, secondborn,
Let me also tell you this.
The truth is,
Before you were born, I doubted the infinity of love
And yet
The moment they placed you in my arms,
Cocooned in blankets,
With your button nose and scrunched up lips,
Eyes firmly shut and so new to this world,
It’s as if I grew
A whole new heart
Just for you.
The truth is,
Darling girl,
It was you who taught me
To really believe
That despite the guilt, the worry,
The urgent need to be everything to everyone,
That in fact, I am enough, as I am.
Yes, I was already someone’s mother
When you came into my life But you made me
A better one.
And so, the truth is,
Dear secondborn,
When one day you start to wonder why
Things were different when you came along
Know this, my love: I never knew How much my heart could hold,
Until I held you;
How you weren’t an addition,
But a piece that was missing;
And how now that a year has passed,
After everything we’ve been through,
The love and joy You have brought
Makes me feel
Bright,
Shiny
And new
Every day.
-Rasha Rushdy
How far along? 37 weeks
Maternity clothes? Nothing fits and everything is uncomfortable.
Stretch marks? No- woo!
Sleep: Rolling over with a melon sized being inside of you is not an easy task. I'm also finding it very difficult to fall back asleep when I wake up, but I'm managing. On the bright side, Harrison has been back in his bed for two weeks! We tried some different methods, found what works best for us, and each night is getting easier. He typically wakes up once a night where one of us will go in and stay with him until he falls asleep again, sometimes after some snack and drink requests, but hey, we're just doing our best.
Best moment(s) this week: Learning that I'm starting to dilate- progress is progress and I'll take it!
Miss Anything? Feeling human-- between the contractions, the leg pain, and my exhaustion I am so ready to feel normal again... only another year or so until that right?
Movement: She's definitely not as active anymore and I'm hoping that the lack of room in there may call for an early eviction.
Food cravings: Cereal is still my go to, not much has changed there.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really, I prefer some things to others, but nothing makes me feel ill.
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: As I mentioned, I've started to dilate, am having on and off contractions (front and back), and my OB mentioned me being midway, which I'm assuming he was referring to effacement.
Symptoms: Sore boobs, leg cramps, emotional, and oh so very tired.
Belly Button in or out? Out.
Wedding rings on or off? Still on!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Emotional for sure- I just feel like so much is going on and it's overwhelming.
Looking forward to: Meeting Harper - I'm ready to grow a whole new heart for you sweet girl.
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